How to Say No Without Feeling Guilty

Our boundaries start from the inside out and they get violated pretty early in life. As children, our boundaries get violated by everything around us. For example, a child believes that they have no boundaries; but over time people in our environment--our parents, teachers, and others that shape us--tell us where our boundaries are. Emotional and spiritual boundaries are there for us naturally; they tell us when something isn't right. For example, each one of us has something like an energy field around us all of the time; but if we are taught that the energy field is not important, then our boundaries get violated by people walking through them all of the time.

One of my clients, we'll call her Samantha, was working on an important presentation one day. She also had some errands to run in between time, but her day was pretty much planned. She could not fit anything else in her day since her deadline for the presentation was the next day. One of her friends, Karen, called her and asked if Samantha would help her with clearing out the garage. Karen had until 1:00 p.m. to complete the task because she was making room for the new lawnmower that her husband had ordered earlier in the week. Karen's husband was suddenly called in to work that morning so she did not have anyone else to help her out. Karen contacted Samantha to help her out with cleaning the garage. Typically, Samantha was free to do things like this for her friends on the weekend. However, Samantha told Karen that her day was already planned and she was unavailable. Karen was not taking "no" for an answer. So she persisted and explained how she really didn't have anyone else. Instead of Samantha enforcing the boundaries of her day that she tried to set, she told Karen that she would be right over to help her out and postponed her own plans. Samantha ended up staying up late to get her presentation done since she did not complete her errands. What should Samantha do next time to set a clear boundary?

To set a boundary with Karen, Samantha can say "no" nicely and firmly by saying, "I can't fit anything else in my schedule today. I have a deadline for a presentation and errands to run." Or "I have other plans that I am committed to doing." If Karen persists with her asking Samantha to help her and doesn't take "no" for an answer, Samantha should stand her ground and reiterate her stance by saying something like, "For any other day, I could help out. I just can't do it today." Whatever you do in a situation like this, don't defend or explain yourself too much; be clear and firm and move on. "No" is a complete sentence all by itself.

First things first. Identify what you will accept from others. Setting a boundary is a part of the process of setting priorities, honoring and taking care of you. The first step is to recognize that you have a right to protect yourself. It's a major step in taking control of your life by clearly communicating how you will allow others to treat you.

Saying "no" without the guilt. What's one of the shortest words--yet so difficult for many women to utter? If you guessed "no" you're right on the money. When your plate is already full, don't let your guilt talk you into saying "yes." Have the courage to say "no" pleasantly, non-apologetically and smilingly.

Stand up for You. Take action to protect you. What happens when people make demands of you where you are not comfortable? Do you speak up for yourself when your boundaries are crossed, violated or tested? Or do you remain silent? When you don't communicate clearly to others what your boundaries are, they violate you emotionally, physically and spiritually. Every time you ignore your own truth about what's okay, it causes you to ignore your own needs. Your emotions are suppressed in your subconscious until one day you explode because you've had enough of people violating your boundaries. Whether you are aware of it or not, you teach people how to treat you by mirroring your own behavior and reflecting what you value and respect. When someone makes a request of you, check in with yourself. How did the request resonate with you? How does your body feel? How are you emotionally?

The Bottom Line is that your intuition and wisdom can be used as a guide for setting boundaries if you listen to it. Most of the time when people ask us to do something or make a request that negatively impacts our own plans, we get a queasy feeling. It feels bad or we know immediately that it is something that we don't want to do. Your body or intuition and wisdom can be used as a guide if you listen to it. At this point you really are not factoring in what anybody else says or thinks at this point. With awareness of your internal compass, you can aspire to get to this point with practice.

Take care of your mind, body and spirit. Strengthen your inner self, which allows you to stand up for you. In turn, you may feel a boost in your self-esteem. You really have to trust yourself and be comfortable when you use your body, mind and spirit as a guide. This positively supports your overall well-being. Make yourself number one as a priority. Spend your time and energy on things that bring you joy and make choices based on what you value most in your life. Practice excellent self-care, connecting with others, working in a career you're passionate about and being proactive about your health by being physically active. Focus on yourself in order to strengthen your balance, well-being and quality of life. Finally, build a support network. Enlist family and close friends where you can vent your concerns and feelings.

Write down two places in your life where you are willing to set a boundary and take two actions towards enforcing your boundary within the next 30 days. Email me at Diane@LifeAccelerated and share what has personally worked for you.