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Domestic Abuse and Violence Awarenessby Neill Neill Send Feedback to Neill Neill domestic abuseMore Details about domestic abuse here.
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I knew a man who regularly raged at his wife, but never in public, so few people knew about it. As his wife got better at not accepting unwarranted blame, his rages grew into smashing furniture and driving recklessly. He eventually assaulted her and broke bones. Then she left. He always believed she was at fault. October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month in the United States and Child Abuse Awareness Month in Canada. I want to focus on the larger category of domestic abuse and violence, because so much of that spills over to the children. By writing about domestic violence, I am also talking about child abuse when children are present. I once met a man that everybody liked. He was a good guy, well educated and civil. When he was out with his wife, he would put her down in front of others. They were little put-downs, and always with a smile. At home with his family, he would openly criticize her, and sometimes make very demeaning remarks about her competence, her looks or her ability to parent. She and her children had learned to avoid talking about many subjects in front of him so he wouldn't get upset and walk out on them. The atmosphere always darkened when he came home from work. Domestic abuse can be blatant as in the first example, or subtle like the latter. Both of my examples were of men abusing women, because men abusing women is much more common and visible than women abusing men. However, the latter does happen. Most people would not immediately think of my second example as domestic abuse, so what does it have in common with the example of the man who beat his wife? Domestic abuse at its core involves one person exercising controlling behavior over their intimate partner. The abuser may be possessive, jealous and accusatory. He may stalk her. He may blame his partner for his behavior. The abuser will often try to increase his control by isolating his partner from her family and her friends. He will use verbal violence (her fault), or emotional abuse, in an attempt to maintain a relationship of unequal power. He threatens her with poverty or loss of her children if she leaves him. He controls the money. If he senses he is losing control of her, he may escalate the verbal violence to punching walls and other menacing behavior. If that fails to control her, physical violence against her person is only one step away. After all, in his world order, he owns her. Women in abusive relationships, tend to lose their sense of self. Their space and everything that is theirs feels violated. They feel disconnected and isolated. Their own homes do not feel safe, so they tiptoe around when he's home. They have taken the blame so often their self-esteem is gone, yet they feel responsible for what has happened. Many feel hopelessly stuck. Any combination of these signs indicates that there is a problem. Lots can be said about what actions to take if you find yourself in an abusive relationship. It starts with self-care and rebuilding your sense of self. But above all, put your safety and the safety of your children first. If you have to leave the relationship, the key words are "quietly and quickly."
Dr. Neill Neill, psychologist, author and columnist, maintains an active practice with a focus on healthy relationships and life after addictions. He is the author of Living with a Functioning Alcoholic - A Woman’s Survival Guide. From time to time life presents us all with issues. To find out what insights and guidance Neill shares about your particular questions, go to http://www.neillneill.com; or http://www.conqueralcoholism.com .
Keywords: domestic violence, domestic violence awareness, child abuse, emotional abuse, domestic abuse, abusive relationship, spousal abuse This article has been viewed 872 time(s).
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