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Increasing Self Esteem in Childrenby Neill Neill Send Feedback to Neill Neill self esteemMore Details about self esteem here.
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I once met an athletic man I'll call, John. He excelled in a couple of sports. I asked him about another sport. He said he had never played that one, but casually added, "I never try anything unless I know I can be the best." I thought to myself about how restrictive life would be with such an attitude. The problem is all of us are ordinary in most areas of our lives. John was extraordinary in one or two sports; I am a good writer; you may be an exceptionally good mother, teacher or salesperson. But none of us is "the best," because someone will always emerge that is better. We are all ordinary, although we can all work throughout life to improve our skills, attitudes, knowledge and faith. John was having a very difficult time facing the fact of his ordinariness. At the time I met him, he had already given up the two sports he was good at, because he was no longer the best. He was stuck in self-loathing and alcoholism. I had met people like John before, and had often wondered how they got that way. Then I came across a new book, The Self Esteem Trap: Raising Competent and Compassionate Kids in an Age of Self Importance, by Dr. Polly Young-Eisendrath. She blames the self-esteem movement that began in 1960s. Parents were admonished to praise their kids so that they would develop high self-esteem and therefore be successful. The problem is we were encouraged to praise our kids for their brilliance, their intelligence, their talents and abilities. "You are a great soccer player." "You are a genius at drawing." I probably did some of this too, as I strove to be a good parent. However, as the author explains, we were wrong! Raising our kids as smart and special did not help them. Instead, this type of parenting led to their being unwilling to try difficult things and even to their lying and cheating to get ahead. As children internalize what their parents repeatedly tell them, they put a great deal of pressure upon themselves to live up to the model of being "exceptional." They grow into adults who continually seek approval and praise from others. If we raise children to believe they are better than other children, that is, special, they may grow up with a sense of entitlement. They may become bitter when they don't get things they haven't earned. To grow up healthy and self-sufficient children do need praise and encouragement, but of a different sort. They need praise for effort, for developing problem-solving strategies, for persistence and for doing things they enjoy. They also need to fail and make corrections along the way. For them to develop true self-esteem, we have to allow them to tackle problems without our intervention. They need to be okay with "ordinary" like the rest of us. Back to John. I suspect that John was caught in the self-esteem trap early in life. Praise for his talent and intelligence ultimately led to such unrealistic expectations that he slid into low self-esteem. He tried to make himself feel good with alcohol, but that too was failing. How well are you doing at keeping your children out of the self-esteem trap? Did you fall into it yourself?
Dr. Neill Neill, psychologist, author and columnist, maintains an active practice with a focus on healthy relationships and life after addictions. He is the author of Living with a Functioning Alcoholic - A Woman’s Survival Guide. From time to time life presents us all with issues. To find out what insights and guidance Neill shares about your particular questions, go to http://www.neillneill.com; or http://www.conqueralcoholism.com .
Keywords: self esteem, low self esteem, alcoholism, alcohol, parenting, children, self confidence, confidence, parents This article has been viewed 1030 time(s).
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Encourage Your Child's Imagination Imagination helps build a map in the direction of your child's dreams. Start a Wonder Book with your children and fill it with pictures your child chooses of things that bring joy and meaning. Cut out pictures and paste them into a colorful collage. Create an imaginary world filled with the child's dreams and desires. Since the brain is wired to focus on the familiar, as in the movie, Field Of Dreams, "If you build it they will come."
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