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Unconsciously, automatically, we tend to say "yes" to nearly every request made of us. We believe the myth that we can do, have, and be everything we desire and visualize, as long as we're willing to "work" at it. So, we continue plugging away -- diligently pushing and scrambling. We skimp on self-care -- sleeping less, eating poorly, and taking little or no time to exercise or simply relax. We are constantly torn between our work and our personal lives. All the while, we bombard ourselves with constant self-criticism and judgment (we all know the steps to that rumba with the "should" gremlins!).

Sooner or later, we realize this isn't working -- and yet we're so used our default communication behavior that we can't figure out how else to reply. Here are a few suggestions.

1. Understand AND USE the three OTHER ways of responding to a request. In addition to saying "yes" you can:

a. Reject the request outright
b. Negotiate the parameters
c. Defer the task or offer up an alternative

Here are some examples:

I. Your spouse asks you to pick up the dry cleaning on your way home from work.

a. "Gee, I'm sorry sweetie, my schedule is so tight today I'm just not going to be able to get there before they close."
b. "I can't get there today; I'll be able to stop by tomorrow. Does that work for you?"
c. "Could we group all our errands together and do them Saturday morning? We could go out for breakfast and spend some time together. I've been missing you."

II. Colleagues have asked you to chair a committee of your professional organization.

a. "I promised my (coach, spouse, kids, -self) that I wouldn't commit to any additional volunteer work this year -- I'm already overloaded. I'm honored that you asked, though. Perhaps another time."
b. "I can't commit to chairing, but I'd be glad to be ON the committee. I could spare about 2-3 hours a month. Would that be useful?"
c. "Being on a committee doesn't work for me right now. What about my writing a 400 word article for the newsletter every month?"

2. Learn the distinction between a REQUEST and a DEMAND.

Check yourself out to see if you are automatically assuming and responding as if you were being ordered to do something, even when that isn't the case. Do others behave and speak as if they have that expectation? Where is the pressure coming from--you or them?

3. Know what you're aiming for and how you want to get there.

Get clear about your goals and priorities, and the steps you're taking to achieve them. You'll then be better able to evaluate and respond to requests. If you've already planned your drive from Atlanta to New York, it's much easier to decline the request from a friend who wants a ride to Texas!

4. Ask yourself the essential question:

"If I say YES to this, what am I saying NO to? If I say NO, what am I saying YES to?"

"It's easier to act yourself into a new way of thinking than it is to think yourself into a new way of acting." Jo Berry

Thinking and talking points:

• What would your life be like if you said no to others and yes to yourself more often?
• What's it costing you to say yes when you don't really want to?

© 2002 Nancy Birnbaum-Gerber. All rights reserved, but you MAY transmit, distribute, print or otherwise share this piece with anyone anywhere as long as copyright, credit and all contact and descriptive information below are included.

Known as the "YOUR Connection Wizard"™, Nancy Birnbaum-Gerber is Founder and President of SteppingStones, based in Norcross, Georgia, USA. She is a Professional Certified Coach, seminar leader, speaker, Certified Teleclass Leader and internationally published writer.

Nancy has nearly thirty year's experience helping people and organizations enhance their communication, relationships and community building. She's committed to providing practical information and ideas -- "The stuff they never taught us in school." In this age of increasing electronic connectivity, her mission is to help people deepen their human connections.

Contact Nancy Gerber by phone at 770-982-1179, e-mail nancy@sstones.com, or visit www.sstones.com . Read the archives and subscribe to the SteppingStones FREE weekly e-zine "Thoughts For A Thursday" -- four paragraphs of motivation and inspiration. Request a NO-STRINGS-ATTACHED individual Coaching Discovery Session, and learn more about Nancy's speeches, seminars, coaching, writing, and other services.