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These beliefs, however, encourage distance and misunderstanding. At worst, their results can be tragic.

Some years ago, a British au pair working in the U.S. was convicted of causing the death of a baby in her care. In the flood of publicity about the case, there was one glaringly apparent circumstance ignored by all the commentators.

Apparently, the young lady was not doing her job well -- she was staying out late, sleeping in and needed to be awakened by her employers to begin her workday. They even had to impose a curfew on her. Witnesses stated the nanny complained about the situation -- to them! There was no indication that these three people -- the two parents and the nanny -- had spoken about these problems TO EACH OTHER!

I can't help but wonder how things might have been different if the parents had said, "This just doesn't seem to be working out. You're supposed to be helping us care for our children, yet WE are parenting YOU! We don't want to be responsible for waking you up and telling you when to go to bed. We're sorry, but you're not doing what we hired you to do, and we're going to have to let you go."

What would have happened if the young lady had told the truth about how she felt? "This is different than I thought it would be. I'm not having fun, and it's really difficult for me to go to sleep early and get up early with the children. I'm sorry to disappoint everyone and cause inconvenience, but perhaps I've made a mistake thinking I could do this."

Here's how to begin today to be more forthright in YOUR communication.

1. Own (take responsibility for) and express you feelings appropriately.
It's entirely suitable to let people know your specific feelings related to specific circumstances. Of course, diplomacy and discretion are called for (a bit more so in the workplace), but it's vital to make sure that others understand your feelings IN CONTEXT.

Here's a simple formula:
"I feel _______ when you (describe behavior) because _______. From now on I'd like (state the behavior you want) instead."

EXAMPLE:
"Jane, I'm annoyed and frustrated. I've missed another staff meeting because you neglected to tell me of a schedule change. This is the second time this month. From now on, I'd like you to leave a message on my voice mail as soon as you hear confirmation or changes about any meeting on my schedule."

2. Ask for what you need to complete or move the matter forward.
If you're experiencing tension in a situation, you're probably not getting what you need to resolve or conclude it. Figure out what's under your control, and do it. If you need something that's controlled by someone else -- information, feedback, prioritizing -- ask for it! Chances are, they're assuming you already know, or are already up to speed. Remember, there truly is no such thing as a stupid question.

EXAMPLE:
"Sam, you're the third person today that's come to me with a top priority request that needs to be done by tomorrow morning. I simply don't have enough time to complete all three tasks. What's the best way for us to determine how to proceed?"

3. Clarify what you think others are saying.
Although at first you might feel awkward or that this slows the process, making sure you understand can save a LOT of time and misdirected energy.

EXAMPLE:
"John, let me make sure I've heard you correctly. Are you saying that . . . ?" Then, be quiet and listen closely. If the answer is still unclear, ask again until you're sure you've got it right. If you're dealing with someone who's a bit slippery, and tends to change their mind often, take notes and review them before your conversation ends. ("I've got so much going on, Sally, I'm just going to jot down these points so I'll remember exactly what you want. Did you say . . . ?")

4. Try to communicate as clearly and simply as possible.
And, ask for feedback to make sure your message has been received accurately.

EXAMPLE:
"Jim, I'm working on improving my communication skills, so please bear with me for a moment. I want to make sure I've clearly expressed myself. Can you paraphrase back to me what you just heard me say?"

5. Be honest -- with yourself and others -- about your limitations, boundaries, and tolerances.
Sparing someone's feelings -- especially your own -- may get you off the hook in the short run, but it will certainly come back to haunt you eventually! Truth can be stated with caring and tact, but it is vital that it BE stated as a matter of course. Ask yourself, "By saying 'yes' to this, what am I saying 'no' to? Is that what I really want?"

EXAMPLE:
"Joe, it's been a difficult week, and I'm drained and tired. I just don't have the time or energy to pull together a dinner party for your 6 co-workers by tomorrow evening. Can we put our heads together and come up with Plan B?"

Incorporating even one of these guidelines into your daily communication will result in more clarity, satisfaction and harmony in your professional -- and personal -- relationships.

©1997 Nancy Birnbaum-Gerber. All rights reserved, but you MAY transmit, distribute, print or otherwise share this piece with anyone anywhere as long as copyright, credit and all contact and descriptive information below are included.