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I've observed that there are two basic categories of friendship. The first are the buddies of circumstance, proximity or mutual interest. There are the coworkers with whom you can discuss the latest technology gadgets, the fellow readers in your book discussion group, your neighbor with whom you exchange gardening tips and cuttings. As you get acquainted, you find some of their values and viewpoints are out of harmony with your essentials .

Unspoken boundaries develop -- no political conversation, perhaps, or little talk of especially personal topics. Within the parameters of what you share, there is pleasant -- and often delightful -- camaraderie. If the time ever comes that you change jobs or schedules or move away, you miss the companionship and sharing more than the individual.

The other kind of relationship is what my dear old friend Steven calls "chosen family". These are the folks with whom you can totally relax and fully express yourself without censorship or fear of offense. Open discussion of even the most sensitive topics is takes place in an atmosphere of mutual respect and tolerance. You don't worry that your house is a mess when they drop by. However different you may be, you share common values and dreams and goals. Wherever you go, no matter how much time passes between conversations, the intimacy and closeness remains and deepens. These connections are rare, precious and irreplaceable.

Sometimes we get lonely, and we miss the intimacy of our chosen family -- or long for the one we haven't yet found. At other times, we crave the excitement of sharing with a like-minded buddy. Where we run into trouble is when -- without being aware of it -- we expect the buddies to fulfill our intimacy needs or act in synch with our core values, or the intimate friends to fathom and share our quirky passions. The disappointment of not getting what we need can turn to frustration, anger, judgement, or even resentment. We wind up blaming people for not being what we want or giving us what we need, instead of recognizing that it's our responsibility to appropriately and realistically find it for ourselves.

With what flavors of friendship are you already blessed? What are you missing? What's the first step you can take to start filling your needs?

This is a reprint of the January 13, 2006 issue of Nancy Gerber's weekly e-zine, "Thoughts For A Thursday", published weekly since February 15, 2001. Subscribe at http://www.sstones.com/newsletter.shtml

The ultimate test of a relationship is to disagree but to hold hands.
-- Alexandria Penney

Intimacy requires an ability to both merge and be separate, to come together and be apart, like oscillating on a giant swing from oneness to separateness, creating a constant rhythm.
-- Charlotte Kasl

Relationships carry the whole universe within them. They can be everything, nothing, here, then gone. One moment, loving someone makes you shine; the next, it feels like matter and antimatter colliding.
-- Judith Orloff

You can discover more about a person in an hour of play than in a year of conversation.
-- Plato

Be real. Make connections with people. Look them in the eye. Tell them how you feel. Don't be afraid to say what you mean. When you let go of the stuff you hold inside, you'll be amazed at what comes back to you.
-- Rachael Ray

We must resemble each other a little in order to understand each other, but we must be a little different to love each other.
-- Paul Geraldy

Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born.
-- Anais Nin

My father always used to say that when you die, if you've got five real friends, then you've had a great life.
-- Lee Iacocca